I’d been promising/threatening to add some things that held their value (if you want to call it that) from my old web site for quite some time, but for some reason, I don’t think I added this, and I’d squandered it on Facebook. I just rescued it. Again.
“So, I’m in the 7-Eleven the other night…
…and in this particular 7-Eleven, they have a clearance rack. Last time I was there, I noticed that they had some food on it, making me wonder who’s brave enough to buy food from the clearance rack of a 7-Eleven. However, this time, I noticed something else there: Massengil disposable douches.
Now, being the inquisitive sort that I am, this sent my mind racing in a million different directions. Why did the proprietors of this particular 7-Eleven decide to clear out their stock of disposable douches? Was this a permanent exit from the douche market, or just a temporary culling of the herd? Were douches something they carried for a long time, or did they just experiment with carrying them to see how well they moved, and find themselves sadly disappointed that more women weren’t coming to the counter with a chili dog, a Big Gulp and a douche? If this was the case, why weren’t more women in the Red Bank, NJ area purchasing their douches at 7-Eleven? Could it have been a pricing issue?
Of course, the other possibility here is that the douches were nearing some sort of expiration date. This made me wonder: what makes a good douche go bad? I haven’t read up on disposable douches in some time, so I forget what ingredients they have in them. Does anyone in the audience have any insight on this part of the discussion? I haven’t felt ambitious enough to look up the ingredients of a douche.
As I continued to think about douches gone bad, more questions naturally arose. Did it get peer pressured by its friends to try smoking cigarettes? Did it have problems at home? Maybe it was just born under a bad sign. Do they send douches to a special facility if they get in trouble after they go bad, or do they end up in the G.P.? If they do end up in the G.P., how hard must prison be for a douche?
After all these questions, it seemed like my thought processes were spiralling dangerously out of control. I couldn’t stop worrying about the douches! I had to pause for a second and catch my breath. Then, thankfully, I remembered that “bad” in situations where expiration dates are involved really just means “old”. My anxiety turned to more of a feeling of stoic sadness, thinking of all the douches who were no longer in their prime. This made me wonder one more thing before I left the vicinity of the store: if you’re a douche and you’re not able to perform at the level you were when you were younger, how do you decide when it’s time to hang up the cleats?
(Shut up, peanut gallery.)”